I know that I generally sound very happy and bubbly… But let me tell you a secret, this is not the case always. I have been lost many times and did question life like everyone. We all go through phases, this way or another. May be because I am at those ages, I am surrounded by people who are going through ups and downs in their lives under the most common term of “mid life crisis”. Some of these crises do happen to be a little severe and take a form as anxiety or panic attacks.

These are the ages that we question everything and realize that life is passing by rapidly. We start asking the right questions to ourselves; am I serving my purpose on this earth, is this really it? I did go through this phase and in the meantime, apparently, started having panic attacks. I, a person who choose to see the beauty in everything was going into such darkness, into unknown territories that at first I didn’t know how to deal with the physical reactions that my body was going through. My first impulse was to think that there was something physically wrong with me. Everyday my mind would find a new form of sicknesses to attach to. When the doctors confirmed me that there was physically nothing wrong with me and the symptoms were rather emotional, I woke up to the reality. Only I was capable of helping myself. The things missing in my life were missing because I was trying to fill them with something outside of myself, but now I know that all the answers were inside of me waiting to be discovered.

I have consulted help and the first solution was medication. But, the next question was, if I did numb my feelings and emotions with medication, how was I going to address the issues and heal them accordingly. At that point, I listened to my inner voice and chose not to take any medication but decided to go to a physiatrist. But, honestly, in time I figured out that, what really helped me through that process was writing. Writing was my tool that brought me back to the present moment. At those times, I became an observer of my emotions and the physical reactions my body was giving to the emotions I was going through. Rather than being swept away by them, I started to analyze these mood swings… I realized that when the attacks came over, writing kept me in the now and anxieties slowly vanished thereafter.

Since she was a baby and whenever my daughter tried something new that failed, she would be so mad and disappointed, and we would always tell her that the road to success was through practice. Everything flourishes with practice, becomes your reality in time. I have always chosen happiness, voluntarily chosen to be positive in life… And by practice, one day you realize that you are not thinking positive anymore, you just became one. With this reality that I have experienced, I choose to get up and face the challenge. If I was not going to face my fears and tackle them, they would be ruling the rest of my life… I chose to be the best version of me, started working on me; my boundaries and my fears. I must accept, it was the most challenging road, but not as challenging as choosing to keep your eyes and heart closed which could lead to a lifetime of unhappiness… Instead I took the challenge to remember who I was, to cast aside my fears and see what was left of “me”… Face the real me and once again love and accept that being who chose to come on this earth. I started my practices again, the more I practiced love and patience and happiness … The more they became my reality once again.

Why am I telling you all these? I am just hoping that my experiences might shed a light into even one single life and that day, if they are going through a similar situation, that soul might see a way out. That you are not alone and only you can help yourself. Dive into yourself, find yourself, accept, love and cherish it! And when you come back, built your own reality, listen to your heart and let it guide you… There is this phrase which I truly find inspiring; it’s never too late to become what you might have been. Bring your truth into life, it’s never too late. Let your soul experience the reality it was intended to be. And when you find this reality, cherish that feeling, nurture it…

This is life and the future is unknown, find your happiness in the present moment and let the future unfold itself with belief in your heart. In time of need let this feeling of lightness and gratefulness be your life saver, your guide back into light, the path back into yourself, love yourself as you are love itself.

And today, I am on this earth one step closer to who I am, listening to my inner voice and let it guide my journey with love. I don’t know what the future holds for me and I do not want to know. I believe in the creation and that whatever the future brings will be for my growth and wellbeing.

Ayvad Bendi, Istanbul