Letting go or re-defining terms

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I think we all are shedding our skin these days. We all are facing a fear, if not all fears, within ourselves. This last month has especially been a roller coaster of changing perspectives, of our darkest fears crashing into our face as possible realities in the universe. And we all are trying to find a way to make a sense, and little by little, to free ourselves from all the norms, patterns and expectations of life.

In my case, today, the biggest reality that I need to make peace with, is my daughter leaving Turkey to purse her education in UK. Everybody is asking me how I came in terms with this decision of sending my 13 years old daughter away and how I am coping up with it? Let me tell you a secret. I am not! I have no will nor desire to be away from her. My perception of life’s game has been based on what the past generations has passed to us. That you get married, have children and you live happily ever after. Yep. That’s how my story started as well.

First wave of reality has come with my perception of marriage. Today, I have a different understanding and acceptance of what marriage is. Today, I love my ex-husband and hold him dear to my heart as one of my best friends. He still is my partner in life but in an evolved form. We do not claim rights on each other, however we do cherish each other’s individuality and dreams. We choose to listen to each other not through our patterns but with an open heart. We know that we are not here to push each other’s buttons anymore but to shed a light in each other’s journey. So, yes, marriage is not something that binds us, but companionship is. I share a life with him like I have never done before. I am grateful for his existence not because he is my husband, but because he is my friend who has and still is contributing to my growth, who knows my essence more than anyone, and that all his words are not directed at me to break me but to make me. His support and love are beyond any defined name or pattern that is attached to that title.

Then came my perception of work. I have learned from early ages that work is something you do to earn money. Our choices of our occupation have been based on our limited perception of our capabilities, of our luck and our state of mind during the university exams, and merely on how we could earn more money to make a living. We believed that if we are at work from 9 to 6, contributing to a system we vaguely believe in, to earn and to spend so that we fit in the society, then we are good. Life is what it should be and what is. I remember an elder telling me in my early years of work life that we do not have to do what we like but we should learn to like what we do. I often found myself wondering about that. Yes, there is an enormous wisdom in finding a meaning in what you are doing and enjoying that. I have done that. Just like the rest of us. But what if we were doing what is not only meaningful to us but also our expression in life? What if we not only like but also love what we do? So, with that wonder in my heart, I embarked on a journey to search for a new meaning for work. It has been hard to let go of my patterns, of what is thought to me to be considered as “work”, of my ego yearning to fit in, to be accepted and seen. And my journey has brought me to my current life (I am not going to say work. I believe my learned meaning of that word does not apply to my current occupation) where I thrive to contribute and create meaningful businesses. Where I am me and its perfectly fine to communicate that. Today, I do not work from 9-6, my work is my life, my words are my tool of expression and everyday holds another possibility. I do not wear a mask, try to fit in, try to make a meaning. Today I am me and I thrive to contribute to a world where I believe is not a utopia but a possibility.

And third wave is today, I believe, with my daughter leaving. My perception of parenthood was that she was going to be born, and I was going to love her like I have never done before, and we were (oh yes, again, hopeless romantic Pollyanna pops up here) going to live happily ever after. I remember uttering big words like “I will not send my daughter abroad before her higher education!” I wanted her to be next to me, to grow with me. May be because deep inside I knew that someday, she will build her own life, and I wanted to be with her as much as possible until then.  And if and when the time comes for her to create her own story, I hoped and somehow selfishly foreseen that she would create it not too far away from me, and we would be best friends forever.

First of all, with puberty you learn that, she doesn’t want you as her best friend! She wants to build her own tribe where she defines herself without the possibility of your judgments and your learned and thought patterns. These are the years you realize, she is not yours to claim. She has her own life and its perfectly normal. And one day, no matter how much we dread, we are going to be left alone with ourselves. We will need to claim the rights of our own life once again. Its time when one realizes that we can only envision a life for ourselves and wish and pray for our children’s path. We have no control on anyone’s journey but ours. And the earlier we realize that, the better it is. (again, only for our sake)

When they ask me how I feel, I have mixed feelings;

Mostly nostalgia these days, as the moment of departure is very near. I would have loved to hold her in my arms a little longer. However, they do not want to be held that much anymore – anyway. We have to learn to be present when needed and respect their own space. I have a yearning and nostalgia to live my story with her once again. I miss her babyhood, those days when her life revolved around me. I miss her baby eyes looking at me with wonder, silently asking “What shall we do mom now? How should we enjoy each other’s company?” I long for those days where she and I together was all we both needed and cared for. But then, what is nostalgia if not for not letting go of the past. Today, our new evolved perception of being knows that there is no time and no other reality that the present moment. Then nostalgia is not a tool to use but to observe as a part of this “human journey”.

I feel a little sad, for have chosen to play this game of parenthood in a conventional sense. It’s the biggest love and yet the biggest illusion we choose to live as humans.

In my country, for generations, people had kids yes for love, but more with the hope that they will be taken care for in their older ages. They feared loneliness because they have defined their tribe mostly with their families. And they demanded their attention in return, because they presumed it’s their rightful right – again as a result of learned patterns – and they expected them to keep them company if and when needed.

Today, I know that I am alone, though not lonely. I have a tribe who believes in the world that I believe in and is willing to contribute to that with me. I do not believe in nor desire to retire someday. I wish to create and contribute for the rest of my life. And I have no right to demand my daughter to fill the gaps in my life. She can only be my companion in life and we could only hope to look at each other beyond our patterns with empathy, understanding and love.  Today, although very hard, I try to sooth my sadness by witnessing life with a broader understanding. I might have chosen to play that parenthood game, but I also can define a new meaning for that in which she is not responsible for my loneliness. If that would be the case, it would only be my responsibility, not her duty to create a life that I feel fulfilled.

I feel excited for what future holds for her and wish that she would seize every moment of it. And yet again, I also know that she will be restless and will fall and rise in pursue of defining herself, searching for her voice in life. But my belief and hope for the so-called sacrifice I am making is that, she will get out of this middle eastern perception and acceptance of victim mind and create something that is unique and purposeful for herself. That she would surpass the defined cultural boxes and become a global citizen.  That she would be happy within her skin, activate her creative bone and make this journey called life worthwhile.

I feel fearful and yet excited for what life has to offer to me as well. At age 43 I am somewhat free (I am not going to use alone, again, because of my learned perception of that word). May be for first time in my life, I will be living and building a life for myself by myself. I do not have much experience about this, it is something yet to be explored. But I am grateful that at a young age I get this opportunity to reincarnate without dying – yet again – and embark to find a new definition of life which is very alien yet exciting and inspiring for me.

With this wonder, I have found a strength in me, of which I never knew that existed, for this decision we have made. Khalil Gibran’s poem is like a mantra to me, a light in my heart;

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of

Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

I do hope that my courage to take a leap of faith in life and making those decisions to re-define the meanings of conventional, learned terms will have a contribution to our relationship, her perception to life and towards herself. I do hope all those I have lovingly communicated to her will serve as a tool for her when and if needed. I hope that we will and can create a relationship of companionship, of enjoying life not through but with each other. I do hope distance is a blessing in disguise and time is just an illusion.

She has been in me and will always be in me – but not necessarily have to be with me. She is a soul searching for meaning, for freedom just like me and I am here to hold her hand, to guide her, to support her, to love her. But her life will be hers, just like mine should have been mine.

We are going through an interesting passageway in the history of humanity. And I guess, just like you, I am getting my share of realizations of life. But may be because I have always been a little rebellious, I am choosing – or hoping to choose– to perceive these challenges as an opportunity. I am choosing to see them not as an obstacle on my way but as a learning for my growth. I am choosing to dive into the terms and find new meanings. I am simply saying “why not” to a different perception and trying to embrace it with grace, acceptance and love. I can’t fight change, nor postpone it. Life is happening in its own pace. However, I can choose to make the best out of it, and may be even, manifest it.

Goodbye my love… know that I am always here. Though you may not be mine to keep, I choose to be yours with an open heart whenever you need me. That is my choice, my love which has no burden on you. You are not responsible for the love I feel for you. I love you, I see the beauty in you. That is solely my choice and my joy.

I only ask you to love yourself regardless of what you wish to be but of what you are today. Love your so-called flaws because they are here to guide you into a bigger version of yourself. Take the challenge of facing your fears, your learned patterns (no matter how much I have tried, I am sure I have imposed upon you many patterns of mine, and I am truly sorry for those moments I fell into the human game and forgot the divine in me) and your limited perception of yourself. Let yourself be free, free of expectations from yourself and from me. Explore life and yourself with wonder and with awe.

And I thank you. Thank you for choosing me to accompany you in this virtual reality. Thank you for teaching me a form of love and acceptance that I might have never imagined. Thank you for your contribution to my growth. Thank you, baby, for simply being you.

And may you go with peace and stay with love. May the creation be gentle and loving to you by bringing beautiful people into your life so that when you fall, and in which you will, from time to time, you will land on a soft blanket of love and reincarnate from your ashes with grace – again and again.

I love you.

Mom.

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Khalil Gibran

Partners in crime

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I observe people, especially the couples that I really like. The ones that somehow make it work and are a free entity within that unity. Accept and love each other. Against all odds, find a way to be compatible and complement each other. These people actually do make me feel hopeful for the majority.Everything is changing and along with that, the definition and norms of relationships are also changing. Marriage is becoming a joint growth and evolution rather than an institution. People are slowly starting to live their truth and in return they become more real, calmer, more accepting, more down to earth… And hence, as a result, the terms of the interactions they have with the ones around them is also changing, including the ones with their spouse. Finding a new meaning which is more free and loving.

The couples that fit within this description really inspire me. In spite of their differences and insecurities, they accept and love each other somehow, as weird as they may be. They GO through hard times and hopefully see the light in the things happening to them and change and redefine the terms of their relationship once again.

We all change. We cannot exactly be the same person as we have been in the beginning of our commitment, years ago. Our likes and dislikes, our hobbies change and in return we become a new version of ourselves; which may be for the good or for the bad, but undeniably different and new. And how do we know what is good and what is bad. It’s only a momentary perception.

In order to grow together, I believe, we should be able to look at each other separately, individually and together as an entity from a wider perspective. If we can, then we could be able to remember the core of the intention behind that decision we have made long ago. That core still remains the same within there. The true being that we have seen, believed and somehow really liked at that point in time, interestingly enough, still resides within the other. So much so that, we have decided to spend our lives to gather with them. I am not going to say “for the rest of our lives” because we do not know that, which is perfectly fine and somehow exciting. Everybody’s growth occurs at its own pace. And sometimes, we do literally grow apart. Don’t get me wrong, the initial true love never dies, as it’s your heart that loves the other as it has seen the true being within the other. But eventually, sometimes, lives do grow apart. The others pace may not fit ours anymore. Only then, it’s the most normal and logical and might I remind you, the healthiest action to take; to get separated from the other and redefine your reality as your hearts desires it to be.

And, sometimes… it works, it really works… But still for that specific time being, because it is still unknown to us; what the future holds. That uncertainty is still good though, because it keeps us in the present moment, in the NOW, and that’s all that matters in the end.

I am blessed to have such friends that I find compatible and lovely and engaged in a unique, healthy relationship. I am sure they know who they are and how much I appreciate their company together and separately. And funnily enough, usually those people are the ones who are somehow opposite from each other. If one is more spiritual, the other is more analytic and reasonal. This is the one major attribute that I have observed and found common in all of the inspiring relationships around me. Both are open and loving, and try to understand the other’s perspective, somehow find the meaning in the others existence with an open heart. Be able to see their individual flaws, accept them, love them even and eventually, hopefully, laugh at them together. Only then, it may be possible to grow together and hopefully, if you are lucky enough, be able to keep that company exciting and feeding, you may grow old together, peacefully.

Presence of such couples also makes us feel good about ourselves too. We would totally be at ease within their company and with ourselves. Not only they benefit from this unity and growth but also feed the ones around them, involuntary.

Everything is perception in life. If you change your perception about your relationships with others and with yourself, then you can initiate change this way or the other. The end come is up to you.

Today, I am grateful for my partner in life, the person I have SEEN years ago and loved what I have seen with a clear mind and an open heart. That I still am able to see the beauty within him and his intentions. That, I like the feeling of us, and still am happy and content (most of the time:)) within his company. We did go through bumps in life, but today I can say, we have seen the new people we each have became over the years and respect that being, love it even. And the rest? My guess is as good as yours; life will bring and I will know then. But until then, one thing I know from the bottom of my heart is that I NOW fully be enjoying his company and his love.

Complete… Complement

Everything in this world becomes true and active through your perception. Once you shift your perception, your world and your reality follows it, no matter if you like it or not.
During this realization process, my focus has shifted to words. Yes… I do love words. They not only inspire me but also are the easiest and common form of communication with others. Although it is seems like the easiest form of communication, it still is the most delicate and direct form of communication. So, we do need to express ourselves clearly, and try to choose our words wisely. Not only what we say but also how we say that, how we communicate that specific feeling is also very crucial. But unfortunately, that takes a special kind of practice and understanding. “How” becomes activated once we are purified from our expectations from the other and break free from the delusions of our ego. No matter how delicate we are with our words, sometimes, especially while in communication with our close friends and family, (as they are the ones who are somehow able to find and push those hidden buttons within us, funnily enough, with almost no effort at all) the form of our communication is jeopardized with expectations and feelings. Accepting, dealing and shifting this realization require practice and effort. So, in this process, I have decided to work with more tangible things like; words. I have started to take negative words out of my life, changing my perspective towards those words and replacing them with expanding and more enveloping words instead.
Since my teenage years, may be because we were programmed to think that way through our childhood, or maybe it’s been what our souls have been yearning for, or because we simply desire to find a bigger meaning of life in a bigger picture; I have been dying to find my other half that would complete me. Yes, may be, it’s a cliché but most of the girls in this world, no matter where we are from or which circumstances we have been brought up to… most of us has that desire to find that missing part and fill that space with another being that is just right for us. We choose to believe that someone would enter into our lives to complete us and from then on we would live happily ever after.
Life is not designed that way and while we are growing up, we realize that there is no happily ever after… unless we decide to live happiness with ourselves, within ourselves.
Most of my sufferings in my relationships were as a result of this desire; to be completed. When I look at all past relationships, the most uplifting and unforgettable ones were the ones that required no specific form of communication, which we were in contact on a more spiritual level and were mesmerized by the feeling of oneness, pure appreciation of each other. At that level there is no you or me but a complete harmony and acceptance. There is no more agitation or desire to be completed, as wholeness becomes our own reality. And I realized that, while my major sufferings in the relationships were because of my silent expectations and my need to be somehow feel that wholeness with another being, the most peaceful relationships I have had were the ones that this desire ceased to exist.
So, I started shifting the meaning of the word “complete” within me, replacing it with a more inspiring, uplifting, universal version of that word which allows acceptance and surrender in my heart. “Complete” shifted into a calmer version of “complement”.
Complement still preserves the completeness in itself. But it not only completes the other, yet makes it better and perfect. There is no more desire for someone to complete you, there is no need or demand from that significant other anymore, and it becomes a journey that could only be taken with a mutual decision and will. Once you complement each other, you make that conscious decision to walk the path together. Guiding each other in their inner journey, shedding a light into their darkness when needed, inspiring them to manifest and live their own truth. It provides the freedom of being your true self with no judgments or expectations, while ensuring the same terms for the other. This becomes a journey worth taking no matter where that path takes you to. No matter how short or long these relationships last, they are the ones that feed your soul, and they are never really over. They live with you all through your life, and when needed, you will feel their hands holding yours, feeding you courage and reason to move on. These relationships are like a never ending story, carried in your heart for forever with love. Once you know and feel this in your bones, there is no reason to cling on to your relationship. Deep inside, in your core… you simply know that it is real and you blossom together, side by side, each on your own path… fingers touching time to time, holding hand sometimes but simply growing together with love.

Greek ıslands

Greek ıslands

Love

For as long as I know myself, as long as I remember … I have a tendency to tell my loved ones that I love them. Out loud and whenever this feeling rises within me. That feeling of wholeness surrounds me and I have no other than those three little words which sums it all up in the most simple and complete form. “I love you”. It’s a prayer not for what I want from life but for what I have today, what life has offered to me today, in this moment that I am breathing. It’s not a yearning but just a simple act of my heart expanding, pure appreciation of what has been granted to me as a human being on this planet.

I believe life is too short and I personally don’t have any idea when and if I will be able to tell those people what they mean to me, so, when the opportunity presents itself, I choose to sieze it.

“You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do get to say who hurts you, and I like my choices.” This is a phrase from the movie “The Fault In Our Stars” adopted from a novel by John Green. And while I was watching it the other day, the phrase just sank into my soul.

We do fall in love and we do get hurt sometimes. But do not forget that loving is the most selfish act of a being which also inspires and grows us. We do not love to be loved in return or because we will benefit from it in the end. We just love as it is the state of being we are in at that moment in life, and, because there is no other option.  And you know what, we do get hurt sometimes. But, never forget that we have chosen to love those people, it was our uncontrollable decision somehow to do so. That we have surrendered to love and in return felt alive in our bones, that we were unquestionably present in those precious moments and that feeling of “love” was our reality.

Love is the only truths in this life, so if you are fortunate enough to be surrounded with the people that you truly love, no matter what the outcome may be, cherish that feeling and love! Love like there is no tomorrow and say it out loud with no fear or expectation … Live now!

Always

That is one significant word in my life… always. I do not like continuous words or long term promises in this life. Life in time thought me that nothing is forever and things, emotions, life can change in one single second in our lives… but, this word specifically, I do love! It has a promise in itself, which is why I love it; it nurtures the goodness and belief in my soul. It holds a promise of a better future for the mankind, subtly implies the continuous link in everything.
This word is also in my bucket list. If one day I will decide to have a tattoo on my skin, this is the first word that will be softly and quietly whispering to me, engraved somewhere on my body, reminding me… always.
Love, always… Those people that I have loved, no matter in which circumstances we have departed, no matter how far away they are from me now, no matter if they are still alive or we are still in contact… I love them always. I believe when we “see” a soul and love that being with no judgment or expectation, when we value them for the pure pleasure of enjoying their company because they are just simply themselves… that love never disappears, they live within us, they are a part of us and they have a contribution in the being that we have become today.
Goodness, always… No matter what happened to us that day, and whether our tolerance is low because of that, do goodness for others and for yourself always. A sincere act of love is the key to goodness and peace in this world.
Belief, always… Believe in life and the creation. That no matter what storm we might be going through in our lives today, there will be light and happiness in the end. Universe is conspiring for a better picture for us, we only need to believe and surrender.
Hope, always… hope for a better world where love will rule our hearts and becomes our reality. Hope that people will awaken into their reality, that they are love. Hope that the next generation will not forget and that the world will be filled with the laughter and joy of happy and healthy kids. Hope that tomorrow is a promise for a better world and we will live heaven on earth within our reality.
Inspire, always… live a life worth uplifting, inspiring not only the ones around you, but our own soul also. Be true to ourselves and bring sunshine and lightness to the ones around us. With the beauty we see in the others, guide them into manifesting their own reality into life with acceptance.
Grateful, always… for the being I have chosen to become; for my family and the unconditional love they have given to me; for my husband and his belief in me, providing me space to grow while still holding my hand; for my daughter, the light and the inspiration she has become in my life; for my friends who sees the real me and becomes a mirror to me every day; for yoga, shedding a light in my path to my inner journey; for my psychological and physical health so that I can live and experience life fully; for all the beauty mother earth offers to me every day with compassion and love; and for the sight that has been bestowed upon me that has the power to see and perceive beauty and goodness in everything.
Live, always… Although I do believe in reincarnation, still, this is it! We don’t remember the previous ones and won’t remember this one next time we come around. So, live now, today, fearlessly, whole heartedly as if there is no tomorrow, live fully!
Always, me

Stone from Malibu, Los Angeles, USA

Stone from Malibu, Los Angeles, USA

lost and found

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We all get lost in this world; we get lost to be found. That is the nature of the term; it is the rules of this game. And when you are found, you find yourself… Through the perception of excepting and loving eyes you see a clearer version of yourself. Know that nobody is finding you but yourself through those eyes. Those people are only there to hold your hand and guide you into your awakening… that you are love and nothing less. Do not get attached to those people but cherish the feeling they plant in you and with its strength move forward. Universe is always there to guide you, to help you. Just be aware and except those loving hands. Know that they are a part of you, even if they remain in your life or not, they will always be in you. I honor all those who have knowingly or unknowingly lifted me up and helped me through those times, shedding a light in my way.

Gokova, Turkey

Gokova, Turkey