Next phase of my life

I know that sometimes it may feel like I am exaggerating the amount of conversations that I have regarding the concepts of awakening, yoga, and being aware. Sometimes, I get so lost in the feeling of love that it becomes my only reality, so tangible that there is nothing I can do but share it from the bottom of my heart. That reality surrounds every corner of my body and thus I become overly passionate about it. And I know that sometimes, for some people, especially for those who are very close to me, it becomes unbearable and excessive. As I understand their point of view, I am doing everything within my power to neutralize this fire within me to keep my relationships safe and sound with them.

But I also want you to know that this is my reality and there is nothing I can do but fulfill it. If otherwise, I would be sacrificing from experiencing my true sense. This state, this mind set is where I feel totally free, where I am totally ME. This feeling is what I live for. And in turn, if I could touch and/or inspire even only one single soul, I know that they will pay it forward. One good deed, one selfless action, one heart to heart connection will pay itself forward and this will cause a ripple effect. I will not only be touching that one single individual but also to those many others whom they also touch in return.

You see… I believe in that one single starfish swept by the sea to the shore. That one single life I might touch, even for a second, is more than enough for me. So, yes, although it may annoy you from time to time, the possibility that someone might hear what I have to offer at that moment in time is exactly what I live for. As long as that possibility exists and is a valid reality to me… I will keep on my journey on this path. Who knows may be I might be able to shed a light on your day one day too.

And this is why, today, I am considering continuing my yoga education, planning to attend the next 300 hours of teachers training course I have taken. I choose to live life fully and listen to that tiny voice rising from within my core, from my soul. And I am so looking forward to this next chapter of my journey.

Today, this is my reality and I tend to seize it. What I might choose to do with all this, weather I really will be a teacher in the future someday is something that I will know when I know it. Not before, not after. So, today, I choose to see it through and listen to my heart like there is no tomorrow. Because, as far as I know, NOW is all that we have, we should seize it fully!

And to my loved ones, I know that I could be quite handful sometimes but know that I love you and I am ever so grateful for your support and understanding of this path that I have chosen. Thank you 🙂


I have been receiving feedback inquiries regarding the path that I have chosen for myself; the journey into finding my true self. To be honest, it has been a life long journey and now I know, will last for a lifetime. Although my truth will be the same, my means of communication will diversify through time.

I have always been open to self questioning. In my quest to find a bigger meaning in life, to capture a wider perspective of life itself, I have always been a believer. My soul is an optimistic soul, in this reincarnation I have been blessed to be born within this body with a character who is a searcher, a fighter for the goodness in herself, in life and in others. And the courses I have been taking along the way have been supporting my growth and evolving the being I am.

Today, I cannot claim that I know all the answers. But I can say that I am more aware, that I am awake and when the situation presents itself, at one point in time within that continuum, I manage to be an observer. At that single moment, I no longer am a victim of my own mind and/or emotions. Sometimes I do find myself in a situation that challenges me and realize that I am falling back into the old patters of my mind. Yoga explains these patters with the word “samskara”; the imprints left on the subconscious mind with experience through many lifetimes, that form desires and fears which influences future responses and behavior (karma). Samskara is that which is convenient and easy to follow. Although it is not pleasant, it is the path we have travelled for many lifetimes and the soul somehow finds it easy to fall back into that familiar pattern.

Being more aware doesn’t necessarily mean that we won’t fall into the traps of our mind. We are human beings after all. We have chosen to come to the earth, one more time, within this body, to go through these similar challenges and hopefully be aware of the cycle and break through, somehow claim our freedom from our mind and emotions. We can and will find ourselves lingering down that path which is familiar to us… But the key word is “find”! The moment we find ourselves is the moment that we become the observer rather than the participant.

These tools that life has presented me (and that with courage I have chosen to learn from and apply in my life) are merely there to ease my journey. While the time spent within the samskara has been diminishing, I have started to find myself being able to glance down at the experience from a wider perspective, be an observer of the situation and the emotions associated with it, rather than being carried away by them. And this for me is the step into awareness…

The moment we notice that we are falling back into samskara, we find ourselves in the so called “present moment”. Within that moment we can capture the reality, that we are doing all these to ourselves, and that our perception, our mind is playing a trick on us. With that awareness, we realize that we are more than the sum of our emotions and our thoughts. And it is within that exact moment that we claim the leading role of our life once again and start rewriting our own story. Every situation that we feel frustrated about is actually presenting us a chance to come one step closer to finding our true self. We should seize them! Learn from and grow with them! And when we are truly untouched by these situations, emotionally or mentally, that is the moment we will be able to make a conscious decision. We can either choose to continue on the same path with more awareness and acceptance, or, if the journey doesn’t serve its purpose anymore, if it diverts us from our true destination at that point in time, we might then choose to leave and continue on our own path, with no resentment or sorrow nor sadness but with lightness and surrender in our heart. At that moment, the decision stops being a decision that we have to make that agitates us, tears our soul apart… But rather simply an extension of the moment.

This is one of the many gifts my journey has presented me. The opportunity to be aware and continue, hopefully, with a clear mind… Eventually with an open and light heart, each day I am one step closer to manifest my own reality, live and share my true self in life. So, yes… this is a long and a bumpy road but knowing that “I” am waiting at the end of the road is what makes this journey worthwhile and rewarding.

It is never too late to become what you might have been

I know that I generally sound very happy and bubbly… But let me tell you a secret, this is not the case always. I have been lost many times and did question life like everyone. We all go through phases, this way or another. May be because I am at those ages, I am surrounded by people who are going through ups and downs in their lives under the most common term of “mid life crisis”. Some of these crises do happen to be a little severe and take a form as anxiety or panic attacks.

These are the ages that we question everything and realize that life is passing by rapidly. We start asking the right questions to ourselves; am I serving my purpose on this earth, is this really it? I did go through this phase and in the meantime, apparently, started having panic attacks. I, a person who choose to see the beauty in everything was going into such darkness, into unknown territories that at first I didn’t know how to deal with the physical reactions that my body was going through. My first impulse was to think that there was something physically wrong with me. Everyday my mind would find a new form of sicknesses to attach to. When the doctors confirmed me that there was physically nothing wrong with me and the symptoms were rather emotional, I woke up to the reality. Only I was capable of helping myself. The things missing in my life were missing because I was trying to fill them with something outside of myself, but now I know that all the answers were inside of me waiting to be discovered.

I have consulted help and the first solution was medication. But, the next question was, if I did numb my feelings and emotions with medication, how was I going to address the issues and heal them accordingly. At that point, I listened to my inner voice and chose not to take any medication but decided to go to a physiatrist. But, honestly, in time I figured out that, what really helped me through that process was writing. Writing was my tool that brought me back to the present moment. At those times, I became an observer of my emotions and the physical reactions my body was giving to the emotions I was going through. Rather than being swept away by them, I started to analyze these mood swings… I realized that when the attacks came over, writing kept me in the now and anxieties slowly vanished thereafter.

Since she was a baby and whenever my daughter tried something new that failed, she would be so mad and disappointed, and we would always tell her that the road to success was through practice. Everything flourishes with practice, becomes your reality in time. I have always chosen happiness, voluntarily chosen to be positive in life… And by practice, one day you realize that you are not thinking positive anymore, you just became one. With this reality that I have experienced, I choose to get up and face the challenge. If I was not going to face my fears and tackle them, they would be ruling the rest of my life… I chose to be the best version of me, started working on me; my boundaries and my fears. I must accept, it was the most challenging road, but not as challenging as choosing to keep your eyes and heart closed which could lead to a lifetime of unhappiness… Instead I took the challenge to remember who I was, to cast aside my fears and see what was left of “me”… Face the real me and once again love and accept that being who chose to come on this earth. I started my practices again, the more I practiced love and patience and happiness … The more they became my reality once again.

Why am I telling you all these? I am just hoping that my experiences might shed a light into even one single life and that day, if they are going through a similar situation, that soul might see a way out. That you are not alone and only you can help yourself. Dive into yourself, find yourself, accept, love and cherish it! And when you come back, built your own reality, listen to your heart and let it guide you… There is this phrase which I truly find inspiring; it’s never too late to become what you might have been. Bring your truth into life, it’s never too late. Let your soul experience the reality it was intended to be. And when you find this reality, cherish that feeling, nurture it…

This is life and the future is unknown, find your happiness in the present moment and let the future unfold itself with belief in your heart. In time of need let this feeling of lightness and gratefulness be your life saver, your guide back into light, the path back into yourself, love yourself as you are love itself.

And today, I am on this earth one step closer to who I am, listening to my inner voice and let it guide my journey with love. I don’t know what the future holds for me and I do not want to know. I believe in the creation and that whatever the future brings will be for my growth and wellbeing.

Ayvad Bendi, Istanbul

Ayvad Bendi, Istanbul


One of my struggles for the last few years has been about the concept of “expectations”. I used to think that my actions took place with no expectation at all, of which I was acting with the mere idea of doing it, that I had to act that way because it made me feel good. I thought I was not expecting much in return but what I didn’t realize was that, my expectations were in a more subtle form. It was not to get a physical payback of some sort, but rather the acknowledgement and the appreciation of my behaviors.

Although I choose to believe that these paybacks were somewhat the replies that I did deserve, at one point, I had to face the ugly reality that this need for appreciation, understanding, and empathy was weighing me down. Nobody is going to give us what we need unless we turn back and look at ourselves… With no judgment, accept the being that we are, as is.

My tool for this realization has been through yoga. There is no competition in yoga… Your only rival is yourself and you cannot evolve, go further unless you accept your limitations. Respect them and slowly test your limits with that awareness. This awareness has shifted in me during my teachers training. Within this process, in time, I have started not to expect anything more than my body can deliver, but instead just be present and listen to my body. Give my 100 percent in the action as not the outcome but the feeling of the motion uplifted me, keeping me in the moment, now, where my body is grounded, diving into a deeper understanding of where I stand on this earth. The fight within my being has somehow diminished and the postures slowly found life within my body.

Then I realized that the same questioning was valid in my daily life… Getting to know myself has made me realize that I love to give in life. No matter if the person in question appreciated my action or not, I was going to offer something from me any way. That is what uplifts me. The real question is to what extend we should be willing to give. Where do we draw the line?

My wise teacher/friend has once told us that “you should give out as much as you take in”. Finding sources that you could be yourself and experiencing your truth freely feeds you and then you start to give more in life, to life. So, my guess would be, as long as you are in touch with your true self, hopefully one could be aware of this thin line where giving becomes a sacrifice from the self. And honestly, out of experience, I can say that… I don’t know, and not knowing is somewhat refreshing… It keeps the hope for the future… This way or another it carries the potential of happiness in the end.
And on this journey, I have realized that the present moment do not have any space for expectations. So work on that, may your tool be yoga, running, painting, cooking or writing… Find a place that you are present in the moment and in times you feel disconnected, go to that place of meditation un clogged  with thought as much as you can and drop your expectations, cherish your limitations and flourish!

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